It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
