OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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