Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
