I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
