I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
