I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
