I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
