hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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