3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
