Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
