It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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