You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
