Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
