I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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