If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
