Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
