she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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