Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
