My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
