listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
