Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
