Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
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if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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