watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
