Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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