you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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