The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
