Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
