There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
