I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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