that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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