i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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