he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
