you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
