I got chris browned last night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
