I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
