Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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