Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
