The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
