I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
