when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize