I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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