Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
