I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
