Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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