hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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