If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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