he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
