I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
