just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
