I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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