You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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