pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
