I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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