I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
